My life recently has been a really complicated one, here’s a video I made to sum up a lot of it.
I have written this out so many different ways and have struggled to put into words what has happened to our little family over the past five weeks. As I mention on my Twitter account, something about writing out and then typing out things has always made a situation in my life much more real than it ever was before. It has truly been a rollercoaster ride and I filmed myself so many times with all of these different scenarios as they continued to play out… but have never felt save in publishing the video until this week. As readers of my blog and social media know, I have been honest about my fertility journey with everyone for years. The genuine connection it has given me to so many people, many more significant than those who stereotypes state should care more… has truly helped keep my head above water.
I know that the video above is long, but I hope you will listen to my story. There is still an issue for many to hear things this real spoken out loud. I do not give one tenth of a morsel of a care if hearing my miscarriage story makes you uncomfortable. I am speaking to those who maybe need to be uncomfortable to learn about this societal issue. I am speaking to those who may know someone who felt they couldn’t share their story. Or, someone who directly experienced the loss of a child in their life but felt silenced. Maybe it is someone who faces the emotionally, mentally, physically, and psychologically CRIPPLING experience with infertility.
For M and I, this second pregnancy took a whole new range of tests, with new doctors, a year of active treatment, 35 pounds of weight lost, truly excruciating painful side effects, and a rollercoaster of highs and lows. But as of today, January 31, 2020, I am 14 weeks pregnant with a strong baby girl. We plan to name her Madeleine. While we continue to mourn the loss of her twin, who I continue to carry and has not “vanished” as the doctors and internet tell you (sibling 3 was literally visible on my last ultrasound this month), we are learning to celebrate the joy in Madeleine’s arrival this summer 2020.
What are some great resources? As I mention in my video above, please read Hilaria Baldwin’s article in Glamour magazine that came out this week. If you or someone you know has been suffering in silence, please let them know about The MISS Foundation, which has 25 local chapters in the US and an active online forum community. The UK has special groups for bereavement support as well. A blogging friend named Lauren of Aspiring Kennedy wrote this post so eloquently about her own Loss of a Child, not sharing it all but sharing how she felt one year later, maybe it will help one of you here as well. Regardless of when you have lost a child, it is traumatic, and I am here to validate your feelings as well as my own.